So, my interest for reading started very late. Probably when I was 12 because before that books were a complete bore for me. I never completed a single storybook in my life before 12 despite the many warnings from my teacher that reading makes you affluent in terms of knowledge, good grammar & vocab. I was like “Who cares right?” However, slowly, I realised I have to pick books that suit my taste. I started reading books because I can imagine what the writer says in the book and when the imagination becomes very intense, it escalates my eagerness to find out more. So, that was a short summary of how I started to love reading.
One of the books that I have completed reading and is still fresh on my mind would be, PS. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern. Nope! I am not going to write a book review. Instead I am going to talk about how relate-able this book is to everyone. So, people who plan to read this book, kindly stop reading this post or I might be an absolute spoiler for you.
PS. I Love You is a story about pure love and coping with the death of a loved one with the guidance of THAT loved one through some letters he had left before he died. A lady loses her husband who used to be her childhood best friend. He dies due to cancer but leaves her with a box of letters for her to read each month, written by him before he died for her to ease her grief and move on with life. I easily cry while watching heart-wrenching scenes and movies but I never thought I would cry after reading a book. I literally cried at night after I had finished the book and went to sleep waking up with a book hangover the next morning. Cecelia Ahern has done a great job in executing the pain of a widow who was and is still madly in love with her husband, trying to cope without him.
This book gave me goosebumps as well as fear because I personally have lost people in my life but generally they aren’t as close to me. (Touch-wood) I hope people and my family live for 100 years. I have attended two funerals in my life and trust me, funerals are the last thing I want to attend in the whole wide world. I am sure everyone feels the same way. Losing someone is depressing. When I was younger, death and funeral didn’t bother me, although I knew what they mean. I was young so my thoughts will naturally not be about death and stuff. But in fact, I had difficulties reacting to someone’s death.
Of course I felt sad but I never went deeper into empathizing other people. I went for my very first funeral and I just ensured that I didn’t smile at anyone because everyone is filled with sorrow there. I couldn’t cry. I thought something was wrong with me. This person who just passed away isn’t close to me but I do know him personally and that he is a great person. Also, I know the people affected by his passing. Yet, I couldn’t shed a tear. It was dispiriting to be at the crematory and crazy to witness people screaming and crying. I was really young back then. All I could do was to wish for it to be over.
As I grew up, I definitely started to fathom things better and deeper which I regret because it makes life tougher now that I understand everything. My Great Grandma passed away a few weeks ago. She is 90+ which we generally believe is a normal age for someone to pass away. But, the entire week after hearing about the passing of her was the most depressing week for me. I meet her once or twice a year and we don’t really talk much but she is always happy to see us. I remember the times when she cooked great food during Christmas and I would praise her for her amazing cooking. Then she would come over to my house for Diwali and greet me with her cheery and happy face. These are the little memories I have with her. I attended her wake and funeral. My thoughts were super pessimistic that entire week, my feelings, energy were all low and I had so much going on inside me.
Again I wasn’t really breaking down much during the funeral. I teared. Again, everyone was crying their lungs out. That whole vibe and atmosphere isn’t something I want to experience ever again. No, I am not heartless, neither am I tough. I was super sad and I would say speechless because all I had inside my heart was a question and that was “WHY?” Why do people need to go away someday? Why do we all have to go through this? Well, your answer could probably be “Life is like that.”, “We all have our expiry dates”, etc. But I can’t be satisfied with that. I mean I am not questioning god or nature. I am just so adamantly curious and I don’t see why we need to leave this world leaving so many people depressed.
It got me asking questions like “Then what are we at the end of the day? If we all are going away alone.” I had a kind of fear which was ineffable. It would pop up when I am sleeping, just staring into space or doing assignments, throughout that week. These were my precise feelings, no filter. I don’t know if it is right to say that I cried a lot on the inside because I felt like there was so much heaviness in my heart and the fear of losing people forever in the future.
Death is uninvited and inevitable; Hard Truth.
Looking at a body with no movement or heart beating inside a coffin is daunting. The person was once alive, talking to you or maybe laughing with you and now you can never bring that back but only think about the memories you had with that person. I mean, YOU CAN’T BRING THAT BACK! Unless you use a freaking time machine which I doubt is plausible. It is more than painful as it sounds. This is exactly what Cecelia portrayed in PS. I Love You. The lady could not even get herself up from her bed every morning because she was so held back by the memories of her husband, she was as good as a walking corpse.
She was depressed and suffocated with the memories of her husband in every part of her house. It was a living hell for her. These things I am saying may seem all over the place but my point here is to address the fact that losing someone is tough and I would like to appreciate and respect everyone who has lost someone in their lives, felt depressed once but is still surviving and living their lives. Its arduous, but you overcame it. And for those who still haven’t, stay strong and believe in god, the universe or yourself if you are free-thinker.
P.S: If this post has triggered some memories or thoughts and made you feel emotional. I am extremely sorry. Please embrace the memories of the people who are gone from this world and the presence of people who are still alive because life will always feel short. Time is never enough.
I wish humans were machines so that it could be as easy as inserting a pair of new batteries to bring them back alive!